


it looks as though we're running out of words to say

by streimel



Series: Gamble the World On You (Blackjack) [12]
Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:39:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/streimel/pseuds/streimel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungyeol doesn't know how to ask. Howon doesn't know how to say it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it looks as though we're running out of words to say

 

When the songs turns on, Howon laughs.

"You really put a lot of thought into this, huh?" He says it like he's intending to offend, but Sungyeol sees his hands shake before gripping on to his knees. Howon's always trying to seem some way he's really not, like he wouldn't even care if Sungyeol flipped the lights back on, shut off the music, and walked out with nothing more than the middle finger and a "fuck you."

Sungyeol is much too smart to fall for that, however. Still, he _is_ stupid enough to fall for someone who puts on an act, just because. Even more to allow himself to continue to sink down into it, deeper and deeper, while Howon keeps it up. Sungyeol wants to give himself away, just to come out and say "I'm going to make you beg for me, just so I can know that this isn't some big joke to you", but Howon will just laugh that off, too. Better yet to make him surprise himself. Even though that's the plan, the words catch right behind his lips, barely contained, mouth open in preparation, but he swipes his tongue across his lower lip instead, fisting a hand in his shirt and making it bunch, just enough to expose one hip before letting it drop again.

The smile falls right off Howon's face.

Sungyeol already knows what Howon's going to ask when he pulls out his shirttails from his pants, undoing the bottom button and letting him have a peek at the skin there. "What are you doing?" seems a little hollow coming from him; it's more than obvious what's about to go down, and the act Howon is going for just doesn't suit him.

"Don't play dumb," Sungyeol says, undoing another button, and Howon seems unable to answer, watching his hand slide under his shirt. Howon tries to hide his shiver, but Sungyeol sees it before he can try to hide it, and there's a moment where their eyes meet and something crackles under his skin, like lightning during a terrifying storm. Then it's gone again, and Howon falls back into his act like nothing even happened, raising his eyebrows in mock offense, hand placed on his chest as if he were actually affected by something, anything, ever. And that's the whole reason for it, his choice of the word 'play' - Howon's not dumb, not even close. Only an idiot wouldn't be able to taste like tension, thick in the air, sitting upon both of their shoulders as heavy as shackles, and just as binding.

Now, barging in on one of Howon's dead-of-night practices isn't anything less than strange, for him. This is a atmosphere Sungyeol doesn't often choose to come to on his own accord, and has never really responded well to being dragged in, either. It's _particularly_ strange with the lights turned down, Howon sat in a chair facing the wall of mirrors, and Trey Songz asking for it in "slow motion" in the background. Part of Sungyeol's brain practically yells "you are _seducing_ him", but another part of it wants to projectile vomit at the thought. Maybe if Howon weren't so _Howon_ , he wouldn't be here, doing this shit. Going through all this effort (and turmoil and anxiety and sleeplessness and everything else).

But if Howon weren't Howon, Sungyeol wouldn't care in the first place. Aggravatingly enough, it's Howon for him, and, despite throwing himself into others, just to rid the taste of Howon from his mouth, no one else will do. Just his luck, or, perhaps, his terrible taste.

Of course, when lets the shirt hang free, exposing and hiding and teasing all at the same time, Howon does that thing, where his body reacts before his mind can stop itself, leaning towards him almost unwittingly before settling that stupid ass look on his face, that one that says "yeah...and?". That one that makes him want to scream.

It takes all Sungyeol's willpower to not grab Howon's face, force him into looking him in the eyes and just saying that he's leaving, he's done if Howon's going to be like this. It wouldn't be worth it - holding himself (his body, his heart, whatever Howon really wants here) ransom will make Howon fold the cards in his hand, throw them on the table, and concede without second thought. Sungyeol needs to make Howon break, get down on his knees and beg, _want_ to beg. He needs Howon to come to him on his own terms, because Howon wants to. It's just, he has to help Howon to let himself free, to want to want this.

(At least, Sungyeol thinks that's what needs to happen. He needs to do it, at least pull Howon out a little, because even if Howon comes out and says he doesn't want it, then he'll know for sure. That's really it. He just needs to know, either way. It's fine, whatever it is. He just needs to _know_.)

Howon is still trying to look slightly bored when Sungyeol comes to stand next to him, but he counts a little victory when he swings a leg over Howon's lap and sinks down in one swift movement and Howon freezes, mind not fast enough to stop his mouth from dropping open, two hands quick as lightning to his waist, keeping him steady. The hands are gone again just as fast, but Howon's eyes don't move from Sungyeol's face when he drops his arms around Howon's neck, playing with the shorn hair at the base of his skull.

"What are you doing?" Howon asks again, but it's not as blase, like before, and that's good, that's really good. Something's being affected here; Sungyeol just needs to figure out how to follow the path into Howon's heart.

"Sitting on your lap, obviously. Or did you not realize?"

The worst part of Howon is that he gives in just when you don't want him to. He's too aware to be toyed with (and Sungyeol hates that, because Howon is _so good_ at toying with him). Howon gives him a look that slides down his face into his shoulders, hunching them up into an "okay, whatever" kind of posture as he recedes in himself, not giving in and responding to the goad. From another perspective, it would look like Howon doesn't even notice he's sitting here, ass to crotch, body to body.

It's all a goddamn mess.

Sungyeol makes the biggest effort out of trying to stand up, hands raised in apology as he slides himself down Howon's lap before putting weight on the balls of his feet, easing up and away with a murmured "sorry, I just thought-", but it doesn't get any farther than that. Howon's hand is like a vice on his hip, keeping him from moving away, and there's a pause, as if Howon wasn't aware he had grabbed on but now is quickly coming to terms with the fact that his reaction can't be just explained away.

There's a lot of things that could happen. Sungyeol's brain runs through every single damn one while Howon seems to come to terms with the fact that he is a human, with real emotions and responses, and he finally goes to move away again before it all comes crashing down.

"Wait, wait," Howon stutters, and is he nervous? He only falters when he is. "I thought- why were you going to dance for me?"

Sungyeol's heart seems to fall right into the pit of his stomach, burning in the acid there, and he's just so angry that he has fucking tears in his eyes when his mouth or brain or whatever decides to just open the floodgates and let it all out. He had plans and purposes and it's all gone because he just comes out and says "I thought you wanted me to be here with you, but I think I was wrong in assuming that" and he wants to cringe at how devastated and hurt he sounds and he's so mad he just fucking ruined everything.

This time, Sungyeol uses much more force, pushing his feet down flat in an instant, but Howon is just as quick, and it's not even that that keeps him in his place, it's Howon's hand on his face and the way Howon's thumb strokes across his cheek, asking him to look up without putting the words out into the air between them, giving him the option without calling him out. He doesn't take up Howon's offer, eyes drilling holes in the wall over his shoulder as his tries his damndest to not cry, but Howon doesn't seem to hold it against him.

"Why would you think that?" Howon's voice is so delicate, it makes him even angrier, and he hates being angry-sad but now it's borderline bitter and he just wants to be done with it all. His lip feels like it's going to tear apart between his teeth, the only way he can stop it from quavering, but he still manages to get out "how can you even act like you don't know why?" and he feels Howon _tremble_ underneath him.

Sungyeol knows Howon's putting on an act, and Howon knows he knows, but neither of them know what the other is hiding away, and that's been their issue for _years_. He's finally ready to cut his losses and go, for good, just to be done with it, and now Howon won't let him go.

"I don't know how to say that I-"

That's all Howon can say, and Sungyeol knows he won't be able to push more out of him. Howon doesn't know how to say it, _any_ of it, and so he just puts on all these shows and acts and all this bullshit, and he gets that, he really does, but he needs something _concrete_ , anything to know which direction to take, to stay or go or lead or follow or anything. It's been years of back and forth, drunken kisses and quick handjobs in the bathroom by the back training room no one ever uses, looks Howon gives him that he doesn't think he sees, fights that start because neither of them are great at keeping their stupid mouths shut sometimes. Howon's gone on public radio and pretty much broadcast to the whole world his relationship problems because he can never just say "I need you" or "I love you" or "you mean something to me", but he can't bear that anymore.

"I don't know," he says with arms thrown up in exasperation, feeling a burning tear seep from the corner of his eye and come to rest where Howon's thumb presses his cheek. "Don't say anything at all! I never asked you to. Just show me what you feel. I never needed words."

The air is so suffocating he doesn't think he can even breath, and The Weeknd's haunting vocals in the back do little to help the eeriness of the moment. On the outside, they must look like a statue, formed together out of stone, still for eternity. Howon's hand remains on his cheek, teardrop balanced between his skin and Howon's thumb, and he can't think of how in the hell he's supposed to get out of here without totally dissolving into a million tiny broken pieces.

"Okay."

It takes a moment for him to realize Howon is talking to him, and he shrugs, because words are too much and what does that even mean?

Howon's mouth is hot and so, so hungry when it latches onto his adam's apple, and everything is kind of a blur for a moment. Sungyeol doesn't remember how his hands got latched on to Howon's shoulders, but he does know he must be bruising them. His shirt is somehow halfway down his arms, but he doesn't even think about it, because Howon's hands are _everywhere_ , and they burn hot, like a brand, yanking him down by his waist to grind them together right as Howon's stubble rasps against the hollow in his throat, and it's all too much, rising out of his body in a moan that makes Howon's fingers dig deep into his skin.

"Do you understand?" Howon asks, voice thick in a way that makes his toes curl against the wood floor, but he still wants to punch him anyway.

"Only about four years too late," Sungyeol says, but it's hard to put on the right tone of anger when Howon's teeth are pulling at his bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. Howon's mouth opens like he's going to say something when he goes to trace the shell of his ear with his tongue, but all Sungyeol hears instead are ragged breaths and a feral " _Yeol_ " before as Howon bucks up into him.

It doesn't really matter how they got on the floor, though Sungyeol's pretty sure it was Howon that dragged them down - what matters is the way Howon pulls off his pants, fingers tracing veins under his skin as they slide along. His boxers go next, and Howon works his way back up, pressing kisses from the bone of his ankle up to the junction of his thigh, an agonizingly slow and wonderful process that makes little whines spill from his mouth. Howon comes up again, seeking out the sound with that devious mouth of his, and he rips at Howon's clothing, yanking and pulling to get at the skin underneath.

It's all so bruising, desperate, needy, from the both of them. Sungyeol knows he's leaving bites, scratches, marks all over Howon's body, but he wants Howon to look at himself tomorrow and the day after that and every day until they disappear and _remember_. It's all fair game, Howon dipping down to suck a nasty love bite into his pectoral, and he yanks a handful of short hair, hips jerking when Howon gasps in response. They can only be messy with one another, at least for tonight, until everything settles, but he has no regrets - this is more than what he could have asked for.

"Did you bring...?" Howon starts, groaning into Sungyeol's shoulder as he cups between his legs, and he can barely get out a yes, thought cut short by Howon's sharp teeth grazing one nipple. It takes another few moments before either them can bear the separation, and even when Howon rolls up to his feet, away just long enough to get what they need, Sungyeol feels like the separation deep down in his bones, making his hands reach out for Howon as he returns, dropping down to his knees to meet him on the floor, mouths seeking each other in reassurance.

Sungyeol feels all over the place - he wants to kiss Howon forever like this, these kisses that feel like they're trying to say everything that's been unspoken between them, but he wants to explore Howon's body, find out the way he tastes across the planes of his stomach and in the place where his abdomen and leg meet, how he sounds when he twists his palm around the head of his dick, everything all at once. His hands jump from place to place, challenging Howon's own restless actions, and he only gains the upper hand when he leans down, sucking Howon's nipple into his mouth _hard_. Howon is quiet, unsurprisingly so, but his fingers wrap around his shoulders, so powerful it hurts, and when Sungyeol turns up his eyes, Howon is watching him. It makes him pause, because the look Howon gives him is so full of want and affection and desire, and he wants to cry all over again at how beautiful this all is.

Howon seems to give in, lying back to let him go at it, and he sets out on a mission to drive him crazy, find all the little secrets and wonders of his body. Sungyeol knows it in a general sense, the way his shoulders curve and the freckles on his face, but he wants to know the way it moves when his sensitives spots are found, or how Howon responds when he's about to come. He doesn't even realize what he's doing, dragging his fingertips over Howon's body slowly, nipping him lightly with fleeting bites, and finally, finally, Howon comes apart under his hands, calling out to him in a way that feels like pure heat is running through his veins.

"Sungyeol, please."

It's so needy, he freezes for a moment, fingers left off where they had been tracing the inside of Howon's thighs, right up to the point where Howon wanted to be touched the most before turning away again. Howon's eyes are screwed up, head thrown back against the wood, and he looks like a work of art, so much so that Sungyeol stares for a moment too long, just to remember it forever. His fingers start again, tracing circles and lines, and he leans down, pressing his mouth to Howon's jaw before asking "please what?"

Howon's face frowns, but he doesn't open his eyes. His hand is lightning quick, shooting out to Sungyeol's wrist, and he drags it up slowly, finally looking to him as he circles Sungyeol's fingers around him, thrusting up into the embrace for added effect. One part of him wants to make Howon beg, but he worries it might just end up pushing him away; this is Howon's way of asking, and it's not how he would do it, but he wants to accept Howon for who he is.

"Like this?" Sungyeol asks, hand pumping once, twice, and Howon's face looks like it could crumble. It's so beautiful, the absolute neediness of it all, and his stomach twists when Howon drags him down, just to put his face in the crook of his neck.

Words aren't used, but Sungyeol finds the other ways Howon's tell him what he wants and how he needs something. When Sungyeol has one finger inside him, working him slowly, Howon bucks down his hips, look defiant, so he adds another, biting his lip at Howon's sigh of relief. He wants to go slowly, to prepare Howon gently, easily, but Howon works against him, adding in a finger of his own when he refuses to speed it up. It's such an overwhelming thing to him, he and Howon _together_ , inside of him, it's almost too much, and he has to clamp a circle of fingers tight just below the head of his dick, squeezing painfully until the desire to shoot off eases.

For all their rough play, Howon seems to calm down as Sungyeol pushes into him, keeping his legs open wide until Sungyeol's fully seated. Again, Howon is quiet, almost thoughtful, and he worries for a moment he's lost him, Howon's head turned to the side as if looking away from him.

"Is it okay?" It's impossible to keep the worry of out his voice, and Howon turns back to him, and the little smile on his face is the greatest thing he's ever seen in his life.

"Yeah, yeah, look," Howon says, tilting his head back to the side, and when Sungyeol follows his gaze, he sees them in the wall of mirrors, joined as one. Howon seems fascinated, at the way their bodies join together, and Sungyeol moves his hand experimentally, watching himself stroke Howon in the mirror, watch Howon's face reflect that as his eyes flutter shut. He does it again, faster, tighter, and Howon's reflection bows off the floor. It's like watching Howon dance, the way his hips roll down to get him to move, the way his arms moves across the wood, searching for something to grasp, and he follows the rhythm, gaze torn between the man in front of him and their union in the mirror.

Sungyeol gets Howon bent almost in half, and it's captivating to watch himself sink in again and again, Howon throbbing in his hand as he tries his best to keep up the same tempo. Howon reaches behind him, grabbing at his ass to pull him in deeper, and Sungyeol has no reservations, letting his mouth fall open as he tells Howon how fucking incredible he feels, and how beautiful he looks like this, all open for him, so hard in his hand, absolutely breathtaking.

Sungyeol twists his hips, and Howon absolutely _whines_ , making him falter for a second before he redoubles his efforts. He gets out a rough "you like that?" in Howon's ear, and Howon's ragged breaths, pulled from his chest every time his hips snap, are all the answer he needs. It's getting hard to concentrate, body ready to pour itself over into Howon, but Howon's even closer, and he just has to figure out how to drive him over the edge.

Sungyeol laces a hand with Howon's, pulling him back into concentrating on him, and lets his hips go wild, thrusts on pace with the rapid rise-fall of Howon's chest on every half-second. Howon is jerking in his hand, subtly but unmistakably, and Sungyeol knows he's almost there. He refuses to move, to slow down or falter, and when he sees the muscles in Howon's stomach clench, he looks up at his face, watching Howon's mouth turn up, almost in a grimace, as he finally comes. The clutching of Howon around him is overwhelming, drawing him back in even as he moves out, and he leans down into him, seeking out his mouth one last time as he lets go, Howon's kisses taking in the sounds greedily as he still spills over Sungyeol's hand.

It's a while before even Sungyeol can find words to say, and he doesn't ever want to move, Howon's rough fingers tracing shapes on his back in a way that almost lulls him into sleep. A thousand different emotions fight for the forefront of his mind, but it's the intimacy of it all that he keeps returning to. He steals a quick peek at Howon's face, and Howon gives him this look he can't quite decipher.

It seems almost stupid to ask "are you okay?", but Howon just nods, and there's that secret little smile of his again, almost shy, or maybe coy. Howon stares at Sungyeol for another a moment, smile losing shape, and then he grabs for him, pulling Sungyeol down again to press his face into his chest, as if he were hiding. Sungyeol lets himself settle down again, pulling Howon to him to bring them even closer, legs thrown together and arms wrapped around one another. Before tonight, Sungyeol had always thought he had wanted a declaration, proof with words that he was wanted and needed, but maybe this is how Howon says that he needs him, using his body to show how he needs him, to allow him to see his vulnerability.

And if it is, he's more than satisfied with that.


End file.
